The Hopeline
Volume I, Number 3
Revised March 2004
Support groups have the potential to bring about great healing. One of the ways that that happens is that enough people come consistently for long enough that what is talked about in the group begins to change. Initially, people tend to focus on what is safest, namely behaviors. New people coming into the group tend to talk about behaviors and to compare themselves to other people based upon behaviors (e.g. who is the thinnest, fattest, sickest, etc.). However, behaviors are external characteristics and lack depth or relational value. If they affect relationships at all, they tend to create distance. In our group, we have the rule that people are not allowed to talk about their own behaviors. There can be some general discussion of the pain and/or problems that are a consequence of eating disorder behaviors, but that is different from sharing about specific personal behaviors in detail. That may be uncomfortable for some people, but talking about behaviors is not talking about who you are and ultimately, keeps us apart. During this last meeting, the people who have been coming for awhile began talking about the way their eating disorder behaviors and feelings are so intertwined. This was the first time that people here talked about these things.
There was another thing that happened during the group that was really exciting. Some of you chose to trust the group enough to reveal part of yourself and to admit that you need help from other people. In his book The Secret of Staying in Love, Father John Powell wrote, "The essence of RISK is this: I have needs. When I reveal my feelings to you, you will know this. I will have to tell you about my loneliness, my discouragement, my self-pity, my fears in facing life. The myth of my self-sufficiency will be EXPLODED." It is exciting to me to see that a support group can be a place where you can begin to let others know that the facade of being competent and happy (a specialty of people with bulimia or obesity) or of loving to be thin and exercise, never feeling hungry ( a specialty of people with anorexia nervosa) is hiding who you really are. In fighting to get well, the more you can express your real self, the faster you will recover. In our group, people are helping each other to do that and for some of you, this is the first time this has happened in your whole life!
A third thing that happened at our last meeting that was really encouraging was that the discussion did not revolve around food. Although it is important to be able to share eating patterns with others, very little growth will result if they become the focus of conversation. This shift in our conversation from weight and food to other topics suggests that maybe you are starting to suspect that it is not the key to recovery that is found in thinking about food, but the key to stagnation and pain. Steven Levenkron wrote a book called The Best Little Girl in the World. This story was so powerful that it was later made into a television movie. He wrote, "It's very possible to have a reasonable fear of gaining too much weight, but when you've lost so much weight that you've almost died, then the fear of being fat can't possibly be reasonable. A reasonable fear is one that disappears when the danger disappears....You see, you only tell yourself you're afraid of gaining too much weight because you're more comfortable being afraid of that than of what really frightens you."
I found that there were two powerful fears that I had to face in my recovery. The first was my fear of leaving home emotionally (I was physically many miles away, but emotionally next door) and becoming my own person apart from my family. This is a normal part of growing up, but I didn't feel prepared to do it when it was time for me to leave home. The second was my fear of intimate relationships. I craved them desperately, but didn't know how to begin to build one or even what an intimate relationship was. My relationship with food and weight became the most intimate relationship in my life. I didn't understand it at the time, but it was safe because it was predictable and under my control (or so I thought). Working through these two fears was so important for me that I think I will devote the whole next Hopeline to talking about my struggle with them. In the meantime, I would be interested to know if you can relate to what I am saying.
It is normal for the road to recovery to be a rocky one. There will be good days and not so good days; sometimes it will feel like you take three steps forward only to take two steps back again. But, do you know what? There is still a gain of one step in the direction of recovery! I guess what I am trying to say is that even when everything looks bleak and you feel discouraged, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it and you can too in time. It is the waiting that is often the hardest, but it is worth it. Having experienced life with an eating disorder and life being recovered from an eating disorder, I can tell you that there is no comparison. The freedom of recovery is wonderful and worth pursuing. It took me 8 years of hard work to change my thinking and my multitude of food and weight related behaviors, but it was so worth it.
With hope,
Kim