The Hopeline
Written August 3, 1981
Revised January 2004
There are a few things that I would like to share with you. These are things that I have been thinking about lately.
Have you ever wondered about the value of a support group? Do you sometimes wonder if it is not important or if it is a waste of time? In the book, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?, Father John Powell wrote, "I can only know that much of myself WHICH I HAD THE COURAGE TO CONFIDE TO YOU". When I read that, I thought about the support group. Maybe this is what we can provide for each other, a place to share those things that will lead to increased self-understanding. It is no secret that insight into oneself is necessary for recovery. Since eating disorder behaviors seem to not only block others from coming close to you, but make it hard to be close enough to yourself to perceive accurately what is going on, it seems that the more you can share with others, the better able you will be to grow within yourself. This is definitely a major component of the therapy process. Perhaps you do not have a support group to attend or even have a therapist. If so, you can begin this process by talking with a friend or family member in whom you trust, by praying, or by writing your thoughts.
I had two fears when it came to sharing about myself. The first was the fear of not being accepted by those I told. I was embarrassed to share my fears, thoughts, or peculiar behaviors because I feared people would not like me or might laugh at me or, worst of all, might think I was crazy. As Powell wrote, "I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, AND IT'S ALL THAT I HAVE." What I needed was the opportunity to talk freely knowing that others were really interested in what I was saying and would not be judging me. In this way, maybe I could learn to accept myself just like they accepted me. I think a group of people who have or have had an eating disorder is the best place to do that. I think members of our group did exactly that for each other last week.
The reason I suggest a group of people who "have been there" is because realistically, the vast majority of people who have never had an eating disorder, simply don't get it!! I think that family members and friends try to be really helpful and understanding, but sometimes are judgmental and critical of eating disorder thoughts and behaviors. Well, let's face it, some of the thoughts and behaviors are pretty bizarre - at least mine were. For example, chewing a whole pack of gum in less than ten minutes - well, there's no two ways about it - it's weird!! Taking my special coffee mug with me wherever I went - weird!! The danger in being in a group of people with eating disorders is that there will be competition (who is the thinnest? sickest?) and copying of self-destructive behaviors. The reality is that this does happen. However, there is also the learning of things that will help in recovery, the breakthrough of denial, the safety to share one's most secret behaviors and thoughts, and the copying of techniques that can lead toward recovery.
My second fear was that if I shared something I thought or did as a result of my eating disorder, I would lose control of it and it would no longer be my special secret. The only way I overcame this fear was by deciding that having this control was less important than getting well or letting another person close to me.
It seems that so often recovery involves a choice that reflects a shift in the focus of pain. Let me try to explain what I mean. When an eating disorder first begins, there is less pain in doing the behaviors than there is in changing and growing. For example, when I first became bulimic, I loved my new behavior!! I saw it as the perfect solution - I could eat anything I wanted without gaining weight and if I restricted as well, could lose weight. There was no way I was going to give up this behavior, nor did I dare tell anyone who might try to take it away from me (not that they really could). But, there come a point on the road to recovery where there is more pain in continuing the eating disorder behavior than there is in changing and growing. Consider these examples. Maybe you can relate to one or more.
|
Column A - Eating Disorder Thinking or Behavior |
Column B - Thinking or Behavior Promoting Change and Growth |
| 1. eating alone | 1. eating with friends or family |
| 2. avoiding doing things with others because of exercise routines | 2. sacrificing exercise at times to adapt to another's schedule |
| 3. staying skinny, yet ignored by men | 3. gaining weight and becoming comfortable with sexuality |
| 4. hating yourself and denying yourself pleasure | 4. loving yourself and doing things just for you (taking time to figure out what these things are) |
| 5. binging and vomiting to help deal with your feelings | 5. refusing to binge and purge and facing the feelings instead |
| 6. staying home and following your overeating routine while reading, using the computer, or watching TV | 6. going out with friends |
| 7. living a life that revolves around food, exercise, and/or self-denial | 7. living a life that revolves around others, personal growth, and self- fulfillment |
I have struggled with all of these things to varying degrees. There is a fine line in between each alternative that can be crossed at any time in either direction. Each of us went from Column B to Column A at one point in time, and now the task is to go back from A to B, but this time with substantial healing taking place first. It seem a key factor is DECIDING it is more painful to stay at A than to move to B and that the process of growth to get there is worth whatever it takes.
A -----------------> GROWTH -------------------> B
Well, I have already written more than I intended. In closing, I thought I would share a verse from the Bible that I heard in church on Sunday. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, i think the truth of this quotation is universal and applicable. "Therefore, I say unto you, Be not anxious for your life, what you shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not life more than food?" (Luke 6:25). Sounds like this is not a new struggle!!
Life is so much more than food! It may be scary not to think about how you would fill your time or thoughts if you did not have food and weight as such a focal point in your life, but, do you know what? No matter how much pain you have been through in your life or how long you have had your eating disorder, there really is a whole world of things to do and people to love out there waiting for you.
With hope,
Kim